Birth and healing (a journal entry)

I’ve been avoiding my birth boards, and birth, and myself for more than six months. If healing has happened for me, it has been passive – like the way your body heals from a cold if you ignore it long enough,and then one morning two weeks later you realize you slept all night and you’re not congested at all.

In the past two weeks Birth has hunted me down, forced me to remember her and remember how much I once loved her. And also how vicious she can be. How subvertivly she injects her precepts into every other chapter of your life. She found me, I cowered and she insisted that I watch. That I be present and informed and that I bear witness to her beauty and her ugliness, her silence and her fury, her undying strength and her paralyzing fear.

I watched, I advised, I conferred, and I wept.

And now I know that there is an active part that I must play in my healing – and I must take this step. Today it was shown to me that I am at the hub of a network of people that need to be connected and that the butterfly effect that I pray will ensue can affect real, tangible change for women giving birth here in Israel.

I’m putting this here in the hope that getting these thoughts out will be a step towards making them a reality. I know I’m being ambiguous, but that’s because it’s still ambiguous to me. And it feels too big to put into words. But this purpose has filled me the way water fills every crevice of space in its container, the way it will even defy gravity to fill in each crack. As I find the words, I will share them. But for now I feel I have taken a necessary step just by writing this down.

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